I am so angry

As you all know, this blog is going away soon. And as you know, the in-laws are a big reason for that. But I am so angry, that I had to add one more entry here.

Murphy was ready to hop on a plane Saturday to be with his dad. MIL made the situation sound very serious, just like when his dad was first diagnosed with prostate cancer. She gave very little information about the actual seriousness of his condition and we were terrified. Of course, she is now saying we overreacted and had no reason to think he might die. I know I am not a medical professional and I never claimed to be one in the first place.

When I hear the word "cancer" I picture my grandfather who went to the hospital for a stomach ache and discovered he was riddled with cancer throughout his entire body. He only lived about 2-3 weeks after the diagnosis. He was estranged from his children and grandchildren. He had been a horrible husband to my grandma and a horrible father to my dad and his siblings. Then he left them.

But ya know what the difference is between my family and Murphy's family? We know the difference between petty bullshit and what it really means to be a family.

My family rallied to my dying grandfather's side. All five children came to be with him. There were no discussion of issues. There were no conditions placed on him that he had to meet in order to be loved and welcomed back into their hearts, even for the short time he had left. My family realized that what little time we have on earth should be spent loving the folks that matter most to us: our families.

My dad and uncles went out into his fields and made sure that his tobacco crop was harvested. They took care of his place. They cried in his arms and forgave him. My grandma held his wife and cried. I had seen him maybe twice in my life up until that point, but I made sure that Matt got to meet him. His face lit up each time I brought my sweet little boy into see him. I had grown up without a grandfather and tried my best to squeeze every ounce out of those few days that I could. I wanted to show him that what mattered wasn't all the bad things in the past, but the right here, right now love we all had for him.

When he died, we gathered as a family. My sister read the eulogy. Simple words of truth about a simple man who had turned his life around, and in the end, made peace with his family.

I cry as I write these words. I cry because my heart breaks for my husband. I cry because he was devastated Friday night at the thought that his father's health may be worse than we thought and that he might lose his dad. I cry because all he has ever wanted was for his father to love him unconditionally and to JUST ONCE say how proud he is of Murphy.

I cry because this will probably never happen.

He called his father today to see how he was feeling. The conversation started well and Murphy was so hopeful. Hopeful because today was a huge day for Murphy. He wanted to share with his father that the new business we started was up and running AND that we have 2 clients now! And another employee! And work lined up so that we may have to hire more people!

What he received was bullshit about this blog. What he received was more talk of issues. Of how I can never be part of the family now (like I ever was before) and how bad things are between me and the family because of this. He was told that they had started to warm up to me but this blog blew everything out of the water (odd when they didn't even speak to me the entire time we visited in June. Oh wait, MIL did ask how often Max ate and what AG is at Lucas' school. How can you warm up to someone that you won't even speak to?) Murphy was so deflated and hurt.

How do I know this? My mom was in the car with him during the phone call. She and Murphy had been talking about the new business and Murphy was so excited and happy that things are off to such a good start. She said his face fell when Murphy started to tell his dad the great news and his dad cut him off to talk about this blog bullshit. All Murphy wanted was to connect with his father, for his father to give a damn about his life. He just wanted his dad to be proud of him just. fucking. once. My mom said to Murphy in the car, "I wish that your parents would ask about your family, your kids, your job once in a while. Why do they care about this blog?" Mom could see the sadness on Murphy's face, even in the darkened car.

His parents rarely ask about our children, but MIL makes it a point to talk about how wonderful it is to see Murphy's nephew and how they spent a week with his brother, SIL and nephew at Christmas. How can she not see what a slap in the face that is to Murphy? Surely she isn't doing that to intentionally hurt him, is she? They didn't even acknowledge Lucas or Max at Christmas. No card, no call, no gift. Needless to say, they didn't acknowledge Matt or Josh either, but they are MY kids, so they have never been acknowledged as they aren't "real grandchildren" to them.

Why can't these people see that life is too damned short to stay stuck in this petty bullshit of the past? We don't know how long we have on this planet until our time is up. Why waste it quibbling over money? Or hurt feelings from 10, 15, 20 YEARS ago? I simply can't understand that!

And why don't they have better things to do than googling me? Or reading my vents and rants? Why do FIL's sisters google me? I've never met them! Yet they are on the "We Hate Kate" bandwagon.

I want my husband to feel loved for the great guy he is.

I want him to stop being punished for the past.

I want him to come away from a phone call with them with a smile on his face instead of a furrowed brow.

I want his parents to wake the fuck up and see him for the wonderful man he has become.

I want them to accept that he is happy even though he didn't take the paths they chose for him.

I want them to be proud of him and to SAY IT ONCE IN A WHILE WITHOUT CONDITIONS OR STRINGS ATTACHED.

I want them to call him AT OUR HOUSE (and risk me answering) for no other reason than they wanted to say hello and touch base without an agenda.

I want them to let go of the past and realize what they are missing out on: a wonderful future with the entire family.

Murphy, I love you. My heart breaks every time I hear that they have hurt and disappointed you. I know what a great person you are even if they refuse to acknowledge it due to be bogged down in the past. I will love you without conditions when they won't. I will be here for you when they choose not to be. I will be as strong as I can for you when you feel down.

My parents will be there for you too. They will not turn their back on you. My siblings will be there for you, no matter what. They will provide that sense of family that yours will not. I know it isn't the same and it won't take all your pain away, but you never have to doubt our loyalty or our love. We choose you over any mistakes you may have made in the past. We choose to be a family that will not divide.

I love you. I love our life together. I love our family.

Do what?

No the blog isn't gone but it has moved and there will be a password required for any posts with pics of the children or other posts of a sensitive nature.

The new address is southernsuds.wordpress.com. Please email me for the password or leave a comment at either blog. Make sure you include a way for me to contact you! ;o) My email addy is in my profile.

I have been thinking a lot about this, and yes my MIL has played a huge factor in the move. Why should she get to see our lives through my blog? She or FIL haven't called M in 7 months. They hate my guts and I am never to be around them again after my 2-3 rants about them here on the old blog. They didn't even acknowledge Lucas or Max at Christmas this year (but MIL made a point to tell Murphy about his nephew, brother and SIL being with them for a week at Christmas.)

The access to the details of our lives is hereby revoked for them.